Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Blah.
I had a meltdown last night. Wish I didn't let other people's words and actions bother me so much. Very thankful for Matt.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I love my mother.
She drives me crazy sometimes, but I love her. My mother has MS. She uses a walker everywhere she goes, does not do stairs at all, and needs help getting in and out of a vehicle. Aside from her physical disabilities, she is not the same woman who raised me. The MS has affected her brain. The woman that I grew up with was patient and kind. She never had a bad thing to say about anyone or anything. She taught me the phrase, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." And she practiced what she preached. She made cookies and helped me with my homework. We'd sit at the dining table and play Rummy 500 for hours since I was an only child and had little else to entertain me. She'd never let me win though. She thought that losing would drive me to be a better player and she was right. She was always honest with me. (There are two minor exceptions to that that involve Santa Claus and The Cosby Show.) When I went to the doctor for a booster shot and inquired whether or not it was going to hurt she'd tell me, "a little." I've always appreciated her honesty and I've tried to be just as honest with my children. I have my mother to thank for many things. After her diagnoses she became very impatient, unhappy, back-bitey, intolerant, and very forgetful. I realize that some of that is not her fault, it is the MS. But I also think that some of it is due to her feeling that life has handed her a raw deal. She got the shaft and she is bitter. I can understand that.
Because of my mother's physical and mental state, she is a handful to take care of. Sometimes after an outing or telephone call with her I am just exhausted. I take her to the doctor and the dentist. I take her to get her hair cut. I buy all of her groceries, deliver them to her apartment, and put them away. (Matt does help with this often. Thank you, Honey!) I handle all of the paperwork regarding her food stamps, medicaid, social security, and subsidized housing. I answer her same questions over and over and over.
Now, my mother has two brothers, and from those two brothers she got two nieces and a nephew. The nephew is getting married this weekend. We each received an invitation back in November. When my mother got her invite she called her brother. She told me that her brother said that he didn't really expect for her to come, he just wanted to be polite and send her an invitation so that she wouldn't feel snubbed. The wedding was going to be two hours away and that would be two much for her. Okay, then. My Uncle sent her an invitation, and then very graciously gave her a perfect excuse to decline (a.k.a. UN-invited her). My mother showed no interest in attending the wedding. I, on the other hand, LOVE weddings. And since I only have six cousins, two of whom are already married, I wanted to make an effort to be there. I decided that this would be a perfect mini-getaway/date for me and Matt. The kids were scheduled to be with their other parents this weekend anyway. I RSVP'd for two, Matt and myself. All was fine and calm and wonderful until about two weeks ago.
I got a call from the uncle whose son is getting married and he asked me if I'd be willing to bring my mother to a separate, 3-week later, reception thrown by him in honor of the newlyweds. The latter reception was going to be in the groom's hometown rather than the wedding, which was being held in the bride's hometown. That way everyone who couldn't make it to the wedding could still congratulate the couple (a.k.a. buy them gifts.) The second reception was two and a half hours away. Which made me wonder, why would it be easier on my mother to travel 2 1/2 hours 3 weeks later if it was too much trouble for her to travel 2 hours in the first place? Now mind you that we have our children every-other-weekend. So 3 weeks later we would then be a party of six instead of two, plus my mother which would make seven. I pointed that out to my uncle and he said "Oh, I'll have to check and see if that would be okay." Translation: "Aught-Oh, that's going to be much more expensive, and I'm the one paying for this event." (For the record, the invitation for the wedding was addressed "& family," so I assumed that the entire family would be invited to the latter reception as well. Apparently the entire family was welcome as long as someone else was paying for it.) So we got off the phone and he was supposed to get back to me.
Then a couple of days later I get a call from my mother. She had received a phone call from HER uncle who lives an hour away. He's gotta be at least in his 70's. He offered to take her to the wedding. That would require him driving North 1 hour to pick up my mother, South 2 hours to the wedding, then North 2 hours to drop my mother back off, then South another hour to get himself home. Six hours of driving. So then I am plagued with the guilt of making my great uncle drive 6 hours to take my mother to a wedding when she lives ten minutes away from me, we have plenty of room in the car, and we are going to be attending anyway.
Again, my mother had shown absolutely no interest in attending this wedding! I know her. It would be way too much trouble. She would have to find something presentable to wear. Her tank top and sandals that she wears around her 85 degree apartment would not be suitable. She would have to ride in a car for many hours. Whomever was driving would not be doing so correctly. I'm sure that the temperature in the church would be too cold and the temperature at the reception would be too hot. The music would be too loud and the wrong style. The food would either be too bland or too spicy. The restrooms would be too small even if they were standard handicapped-accessible bathrooms. The handicapped parking places would still be too far away from the door, the ramp would be too steep, the parking lot too slippery. The entire event would be one great big long complaint festival. Silly me, I wanted to go to a lovely wedding, have a nice meal, catch up with some relatives, and dance with my sweetheart. If my mother is there there will be none of that.
So now it seems as though she coming anyway, whether I take her or not. Do I go ahead with my plans and at least get to enjoy the two hour drive there and back mom-free? Or do I give in and save Great Uncle What's-his-name? four extra hours of driving?
Because of my mother's physical and mental state, she is a handful to take care of. Sometimes after an outing or telephone call with her I am just exhausted. I take her to the doctor and the dentist. I take her to get her hair cut. I buy all of her groceries, deliver them to her apartment, and put them away. (Matt does help with this often. Thank you, Honey!) I handle all of the paperwork regarding her food stamps, medicaid, social security, and subsidized housing. I answer her same questions over and over and over.
Now, my mother has two brothers, and from those two brothers she got two nieces and a nephew. The nephew is getting married this weekend. We each received an invitation back in November. When my mother got her invite she called her brother. She told me that her brother said that he didn't really expect for her to come, he just wanted to be polite and send her an invitation so that she wouldn't feel snubbed. The wedding was going to be two hours away and that would be two much for her. Okay, then. My Uncle sent her an invitation, and then very graciously gave her a perfect excuse to decline (a.k.a. UN-invited her). My mother showed no interest in attending the wedding. I, on the other hand, LOVE weddings. And since I only have six cousins, two of whom are already married, I wanted to make an effort to be there. I decided that this would be a perfect mini-getaway/date for me and Matt. The kids were scheduled to be with their other parents this weekend anyway. I RSVP'd for two, Matt and myself. All was fine and calm and wonderful until about two weeks ago.
I got a call from the uncle whose son is getting married and he asked me if I'd be willing to bring my mother to a separate, 3-week later, reception thrown by him in honor of the newlyweds. The latter reception was going to be in the groom's hometown rather than the wedding, which was being held in the bride's hometown. That way everyone who couldn't make it to the wedding could still congratulate the couple (a.k.a. buy them gifts.) The second reception was two and a half hours away. Which made me wonder, why would it be easier on my mother to travel 2 1/2 hours 3 weeks later if it was too much trouble for her to travel 2 hours in the first place? Now mind you that we have our children every-other-weekend. So 3 weeks later we would then be a party of six instead of two, plus my mother which would make seven. I pointed that out to my uncle and he said "Oh, I'll have to check and see if that would be okay." Translation: "Aught-Oh, that's going to be much more expensive, and I'm the one paying for this event." (For the record, the invitation for the wedding was addressed "& family," so I assumed that the entire family would be invited to the latter reception as well. Apparently the entire family was welcome as long as someone else was paying for it.) So we got off the phone and he was supposed to get back to me.
Then a couple of days later I get a call from my mother. She had received a phone call from HER uncle who lives an hour away. He's gotta be at least in his 70's. He offered to take her to the wedding. That would require him driving North 1 hour to pick up my mother, South 2 hours to the wedding, then North 2 hours to drop my mother back off, then South another hour to get himself home. Six hours of driving. So then I am plagued with the guilt of making my great uncle drive 6 hours to take my mother to a wedding when she lives ten minutes away from me, we have plenty of room in the car, and we are going to be attending anyway.
Again, my mother had shown absolutely no interest in attending this wedding! I know her. It would be way too much trouble. She would have to find something presentable to wear. Her tank top and sandals that she wears around her 85 degree apartment would not be suitable. She would have to ride in a car for many hours. Whomever was driving would not be doing so correctly. I'm sure that the temperature in the church would be too cold and the temperature at the reception would be too hot. The music would be too loud and the wrong style. The food would either be too bland or too spicy. The restrooms would be too small even if they were standard handicapped-accessible bathrooms. The handicapped parking places would still be too far away from the door, the ramp would be too steep, the parking lot too slippery. The entire event would be one great big long complaint festival. Silly me, I wanted to go to a lovely wedding, have a nice meal, catch up with some relatives, and dance with my sweetheart. If my mother is there there will be none of that.
So now it seems as though she coming anyway, whether I take her or not. Do I go ahead with my plans and at least get to enjoy the two hour drive there and back mom-free? Or do I give in and save Great Uncle What's-his-name? four extra hours of driving?
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
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